1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I can't put those talents on a resume
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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