just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I am one with the molecules
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
