put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
