Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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