Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
