alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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