I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
