he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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