he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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