is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
