proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Dicks are not precious.
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