When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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