you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
