I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize