is your mom at the bar?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
