Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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