I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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