you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Randomize
