Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
