Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
