You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
