May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
