DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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