Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize