I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
