Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
