New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
