My hand turned me down
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Randomize
