Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
well you can't waste a boner
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
