Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize