woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
