Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Randomize
