I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
