Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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