I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize