I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
