dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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