i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
