This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
