and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
