The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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