I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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