I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
