If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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