I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
