Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I came so hard my ears popped.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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