I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Randomize
