We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
