I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
