Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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