Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
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