I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize