I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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