they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
