Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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