wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
