after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
