glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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