Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize
