Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
