Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
