Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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