i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
