did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
im calling her cock vulture from now on
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
